Courage and Trust

Yay!  4 down and just 2 of the hard ones left.  Today I felt fine until the last two hours and then my blood pressure dropped to 83/48 I've felt pretty icky since then.  It is amazing how well you can feel one moment and so sick the next.  That is where getting chemotherapy teaches you to have courage.  Courage to allow these doctors and nurses to give you stuff that is going to make you feel pretty darn sick for a week, and faith that all the sickness will be worth it in the end to have your life preserved.  I am SO grateful that I was given the gift to feel not only okay but excellent for Christmas and to be flooded with love, surprises, and sincere birthday wishes.  The kids kept saying yesterday that it was the "BEST Christmas EVER!"  It was thoroughly enjoyed and I will hold to that sweet treasure of a day throughout this week...then all the sickness isn't so bad.  I'm having a feeling that this may be a hard one because of how sick I already feel but "We Can Do Hard Things".

Giving

I thought I could keep up with posting our gratitude and giving adequate credit to each amazing act of service done for our family.  Who knew that this, at times, would be harder than the cancer itself...not being able to repay or sincerely thank EVERY kindness given to us.  We are forever changed by the tremendous outpouring of love, service, and generosity.  I used to scroll past fundraisers for people I didn't know but now, after the magnitude of what has been given to us, I must do something...even if it is something small.  A girl with four young kids like myself, who is dying from her cancer, donated to our family when she found out our situation.  Others families who are hardly making ends meat have donated or done great services for our family.  At first, we struggled with terrible feelings of guilt that these type of people were doing things like this for us.  We just wanted to give back to them and more feeling they needed it far more than we did.  Then I thought of the "widow's mite" story in the bible and how the widow who had nothing wanted to give all that she had to the Lord.  As some of these people who are hardly able to give or serve do so in the name of the Lord they are teaching us a most powerful lesson, that everything we have is from the Lord.  Just as the priest bought Jean ValJean's soul in Les Miserables with two candlesticks I feel these people who could hardly give but still did  have bought my soul.  I hope that I will always remember and give as they have given.

Bald Entertainment

So if you want some cheap entertainment watch a bald person eat...I took my hat off at dinner and the family was thoroughly enthralled by the mandibular muscle action going on as they watched me chew my food.  Who knew all the awesomeness hiding under that hair :) :) :).

Kids say the darndest things

We could tell that "cancer" and "surgery" have been a big part of our vocabulary lately as we overheard Salem playing with her dolls and saying, "okay, now you have to get your surgery" and then "thank you for getting cancer with me!"....don't think she understands that cancer isn't a good thing! :)

Renewed

I was getting down earlier this week when I caught yet another cold (my 3rd one in 3 weeks) just after getting over the chemo sickness.  It was hard not to let myself think about what I was doing last year compared to now.  I had just run my first half marathon, was hosting a "healthy-eating" support group, and hadn't been sick for almost a year.  Now I'm catching colds every week it seems and working out maybe once a month doing a 20 min slow-paced eliptical workout while undergoing chemotherapy for cancer treatment.  Things have changed but then I remembered the beautiful experience I had in the temple the day we found out I had cancer.  I was filled with the most beautiful light and love that was overwhelming.  It truly felt as though angels were surrounding me and giving me the strength I needed to work through this new trial.  Thoughts came to my mind of how this trial would be a tremendous blessing in my life and that much joy would come of it.  I was SO grateful to have had that experience in the temple before all this began to be able to hold to when things got tough.  As I recalled that experience I also recalled all those people who've been through this that I've come in contact with that are now doing wonderful.  This gave me renewed strength and determination and I felt better.  I have a friend I've met through facebook who is going through the same thing right now and is on the same chemo schedule.  She was also having a difficult time this week and after I felt my lift I wrote this in response to her deep desire to get away and take a vacation.  I wanted to post it in my blog so that I can remember when I get down again...

Oh (name withheld)i, I so felt this same way yesterday! I even mentioned to my husband, "can we go to some tropical paradise vacation when all this is over??" Chemo is hard stuff, especially to be going through during winter months. Although the winter does fit our current situation. We are in the winter right now, the chemo is killing the cancer in our bodies and often feels and looks like it's killing us too. We may look and feel dead like the trees outside but I'm holding out for spring when we finish this hard stuff and our bodies will come back to life just like the trees outside. We are getting some serious pruning right now and it hurts but in the spring we will be well again. I've seen so many people that are doing better now--a few months out from chemo--then they have in years (some are still doing Herceptin right now too). Their hair's growing back, they have energy, they can work out again. This is going to be you and me hopefully by April...then maybe we can take our warm vacation to celebrate . Love you girl! We can do hard things!!!!!!!!!!

Halfway point!!!

 My friends, Amber and Drea surprised me with these matching shirts to wear to chemo.

Chemo #3.  Just 3 more of the hard stuff then the rest of the year will just be 40 minute treatments of Herceptin that supposedly don't make you sick.  YAY!!!!  I wore my "I Am Strong" socks during my treatment.  They are very empowering.


Today was more reassuring as I felt more like a veteren having made it to "halfway done"!!!  Today was the first time I heard the most beautiful noise in the infusion room.  The sound of a bell.  It reminded me of shopping at Trader Joe's and they ring a bell when they have met a goal.  But the bell in the chemo room represents something much more grand.  When you hear that beautiful bell ring it means someone just finished their LAST chemo treatment.  Many clap and shout "hooray" for the person who has finished something SO daunting, yet so brave.  That bell rang twice today and brought many emotions to hear.  All of us in that room know that chemo stinks and makes us all feel very vulnerable.  Along with all the joyous celebrating for the two bells rung today I also witnessed something that made me sad.  The lady diagonally across the room came in to start her chemo treatment and was crying.  I didn't know if she was crying knowing how sick she was about to feel or if she was already feeling awful and didn't want to add the chemo poison to the equation.  Whatever it was she was desperately not wanting to have to get yet another dose of medicine that would only make her feel worse.  I wanted to give her a hug and tell her to let it all out.  Sometimes just venting about how hard it is really helps.  It is amazing the love I feel for these women going through the same thing.  I've never experienced such a strong feeling for people I haven't even met.  Usually with each treatment you get to know the stories of the women around you and sometimes it lifts and inspires while other times you just hurt for these women.  My heart ached for the woman in tears who was struggling terribly yet was filled with joy by the bells ringing and the wonderful women sitting next to me.  She is 30 years older then me yet we made an instant bond and chatted through the whole 6 hours of treatment.  Her husband was there who I could feel was very supportive.  They were both so positive yet honest about the hard things regarding chemo and cancer.  We seemed very similar regarding our strong belief in God, the joys of raising a family with four kids, and our love for healthy living.  A lot of these women in the chemo room haven't adopted healthy eating habits so it was so nice to sit by someone who has.  Since my diagnosis I have this deep desire to one day become a nutrition counselor for cancer patients.  I know it can't take the cancer away but it can give such a great quality of life and help greater protection against future disease.  Okay, time to go lay down.  The nausea, bodyaches, and heavy feeling are setting in.  Only 3 more hardcore treatments and I will hear that bell ring for.....me!!!!

Cancer Support Do's

Love my family!  Showing their support from afar by cutting their hair.  My sister and sister-in-law donated their hair for wigs.  My brother not only buzzed his head but shaved it bald.  And my sweet little nephew helped shave my brother's and followed with his own little buzz to show support.  Did I say I LOVE my family????

The Wilderness

The doctor's prepared me with the understanding that the chemotherapy would most likely put me (as it does most) into a temporary menopause.  Instead it has done the opposite.  My ovaries have been put into overdrive and are giving me cycles every two weeks with intense cramps.  Also, the one cyst that I had in my right ovary has turned into several cysts in both ovaries ranging from 1 and 2 cm, which cause a lot of nausea.  Normally, cysts can be dissolved simply with a couple months of birth control but because I have breast cancer any hormone treatment is out of the question.  The doctors don't really know what to do with me as this is not the norm.  The kids have also brought home several sicknesses that I have caught making the other hormonal stuff less manageable.  Then yesterday after church I experienced my first migraine which did not let up until tonight after a good accupuncture treatment and help from a friend.  The headache is still there but is at least manageable unlike the migraine.  I have had several bad headaches in my life but oh the debilitating migraine where you can't move or have lights or noise going is awful.  Can't imagine what it must be like for those who get them often.  Obviously, right now, I'm feeling a little more defeated...but I am accepting that this my current "wilderness" just as Lehi and his family had to go through theirs.  I am holding to the fact that I can be strengthened during the "wilderness of my afflictions" and that the Lord will "provide means whereby...(I)..can accomplish the thing which he has commanded...(and)..provide means...while (I) sojourn in the wilderness" (1 Nephi 17:3 Book of Mormon). 

Prayer and Cheerleaders

 Today was a harder day as my mom is now gone, my kids are sick, and I'm trying to face life normally in an abnormal situation.  In other words, I let down my guard and had a pity party for myself.  Then I said a silent prayer in my heart for Heavenly Father to help give me a lift.  I even said in my prayer, "I need some cheerleaders today".  Literally 5 minutes after that cry for help Ephraim replied the mail was here and ran to bring it in.  There in the pile of mostly junk mail were two inspiring postcards from my visiting teacher and a letter and check from a friend in Tennessee that said in the memo, "Charity's Cheerleaders".  The Lord redeemed me today through the hands of inspired friends.

Haela's 5K race dedication

I've been SO amazed by the way Haela has taken all this cancer stuff in.  She has stepped up and started helping me more, drawing me inspiring pictures, making lunches, composing songs for me on the piano (they're amateur but so sweet and touching), getting Salem dressed in the morning, and her latest was dedicating her run to me.  Instead of her standard orange "Girls on the Run" shirt she wore pink.  She also wore her pink socks and pink bracelet.  This girl who used to be hospitalized every year for asthma has shown us all what hard work and determination can do.  The past two years she has started running and taken control of her asthma.  Instead of hospital visits she is running races...and dedicating them to her momma fighting breast cancer.  Love this girl!

Chemo #2

Just had chemo treatment #2 on Monday and felt a little less "rookie" than last time.  I knew what to expect which helped a lot.  This was much shorter than the first one which spanned two days.  I went in at 8:45 and left at about 2:45.  Six hours of filling me up with drugs and fluids.  I never would have thought chemotherapy would be so time consuming.  Originally I thought I would like to just have someone drop me off and pick me up when I was done but I realize now I like the company to make the time pass.  This time Kristine took me which was nice because she is a nurse practitioner and was not afraid to ask why they used a certain medication or why I had to pay a "specialist" copay, etc.  It was soothing to have someone there who has  medical background.  She was fun to talk to.  When the Benadryl kicked in and made me a little less then coherent she was also very understanding...It is so strange how the first hour your just chatting away and then all of a sudden you feel you're in another world and don't quite know how to carry on conversation.  Then after you work through that for an hour or two it goes away and you can converse again.  Weird stuff.  Kristine stayed until noon and then Edee showed up with lunch for us!  What a pleasant surprise!  The nausea starts to hit after a few hours and so I was so grateful to get the lunch in before the nausea came.  Though we are only allowed one visitor at a time the nurse didn't shoo away Edee so the three of us were able to eat lunch and chat for 10-15 minutes.  Then Nancy came in and touched my heart as she wore her crocheted hat and pulled all her hair back to show her support of chemo day...and the fact that a few days before we shaved my head.  It meant so much to me to see her in that hat!  I'm continuously amazed by the sweet things people will do to help ease the burden.

 This is Nancy, me, Edee, and Kristine just before we got in trouble for breaking the rules:).  After the four of us visited for 5 or 10 minutes the nurse had to tell us "only 1 visitor at a time"!  Nancy stayed and I said goodbye and thank-you to Kristine and Edee for making my day.  Kristine surprised me with a beautiful hat from the cancer boutique in the same building.  People are good...

Thankfully, this round has not been as bad as the last round.  I didn't have near the wretched nausea that I did last time.  It comes in waves but is milder and more doable.  I also didn't deprive myself of the sleeping pills (it is really hard to sleep after all the steroids they give you) which I think helped make things less severe.  My only complaint was I caught my kid's colds by the end of the week which contributed to a bit more of a general ill feeling--still not as bad as last time though.

Hair-Shedding Party

I decided last minute to get daring and make a big party out of losing my hair.  At first I thought I would just have family and a couple of friends but the more I thought about it I thought it would be neat to open it to the public more and allow anyone I know to come and show their support as well as help break the ice to the awkwardness of losing my hair.  I was really excited about this until I made the mistake of washing my hair two hours before the party.  I was shedding hair pretty bad but thought if I was careful enough that I could wash and dry it so it would be clean for the party.  This was a VERY bad idea as I lost a quarter of my hair in the shower and another quarter while blowdrying it.  I began to get panicked and starting crying to Kelly wondering if I should just cancel the party due to all the bald spots that I didn't want revealed when we did the buzz at the end.  Luckily Kelly and my good friend talked me through it and said we can just do all the hairstyles/cuts while everyone was there and then save the buzz for later.  So I said a prayer and got the courage to go through with the party.  I'm so glad I did as it was one of the most beautiful experiences I've had.  Everyone brought food and jokes and we began with our family taking the first snips.  Each person would come up and tell a funny joke and then cut a big chunk of my hair.  Who knew that letting people chop off my hair could be so fun!!

 After Kelly, my mom, Haela and Salem (the boys had friends and were too distracted) took their chunks then each adult at the party got their turn to take a snip.  We all laughed and the jokes helped break all the ice of nervousness and discomfort.

 After all took a chunk then my awesome hairstylist, Liz, went to work with four different cuts and styles.  First she did a bob and everyone oohed and ahhed over that one.  Next was the awesome Miley Cyrus cut that I told everyone I was going to do.  Following that I got the spikey sassafras look which I modeled and had a lot of fun with.  To finish it off we did the awaited mohawk that surprisinly looked pretty cute.  Liz was so great to entertain us all in such a way.  Now I have so many styles to choose from when my hair grows back!

Everyone gave me hugs and we all laughed and ate together.  All in the room were radiating light and love as they were able to come and support me during this big step.  As each person left they hugged me and expressed their gratitude for being able to come and be a part of something so life-changing.  I was amazed at how touched they all were.  That is when I felt a confirmation that making a huge party was the right thing to do in my situation.  The Lord wanted to give more people an opportunity to feel they were helping me in some way and it in turn filled us all with his gracious light and love. 

 After the last person left and it was time to do the hard part of shaving it to the scalp I felt great courage because of being so filled from the party.  Liz kept telling me as she was shedding the very last of my hair that of all the cancer patients hair she has shaved that this experience was the most happy and beautiful.  She said she noticed everyone in the room filled with joy as they witnessed God's hand helping me as well as them turn a difficult thing into a positive experience.  It was a night never to be forgotten.

Strength and Hairloss

So the doctor told me to plan on my hair to start falling out about 14-17 days after my first infusion.  She said as soon as you feel your scalp tingle or itch to shave it.  Today is day 14 and my scalp started getting itchy yesterday.  I thought it was in my head and still holding to that thin chance that I could be a lucky one and not lose my hair.  Tonight I started shedding.  No chunks but like 10 strands at a time when I run my fingers through my hair.  I started tearing up as reality was sinking in that I will be part of the norm that loses their hair.  My sweet husband told me I'll be beautiful no matter what and to think of it like an adventure.  He said, "how many women get the chance to just shave their head?"  I love how he can make a depressing situation be exciting.  So grateful for his positive outlook and cheering me up.  I've just got to own this and let it be my mark of strength and courage.

A sweet friend from church was an answer to prayer today.  She brought me these socks which reminded me in my weak moment tonight that I AM STRONG and that I CAN do this.  I'm so amazed at how the Lord always steps in when I need it most. 

Halloween

Haela and Salem were princesses and Enoch and Ephraim were creatures (Enoch-Stitch from "Lilo & Stitch"/Ephraim-Hopper from "Bug's Life".  Don't want to brag but these costumes cost me a total of $11!  Did I mention St Louis has the best thrift stores ever?!

The kids showing me how sick candy makes you!  We paid a steep price of $10 per child to buy their Halloween candy back.  Suddenly they changed from "We LOVE candy" to "candy is SO bad for you...it can cause cancer!"  Ha!  Hilarious how things switched when $$$ was involved!

This was a massive bag of candy that I wanted to get rid of fast.  Luckily my friend's son's class is collecting candy to send to the soldiers.  Jackpot!  Then I didn't have to feel wasteful by throwing it away or have to spend money on shipping to send it to the soldiers myself.

Feeling Better!

So after a pretty rough week of nausea, bodyaches, severe headaches, dizziness, and general "toxic" feeling my body finally pulled through!  Okay, I did have the help of daily acupuncture treatments and supplements but I'm still amazed my body worked it's way through to feeling better.  It really did feel like I signed up to be poisoned once I experienced it and wondered if I was just going to permanently feel lousy forever.  But no, the body is amazing.  That's why they still do the chemotherapy.  Otherwise it would have been pulled off the market and considered "barbaric" long ago :).  It still does a good job at killing cancer so even though we have to feel awful, in the end it does the best job.  That is what will keep me going back...hopefully:).  
  Sunday I was feeling a lot less of everything but wondered if I'd really get over this in a week.  I was told a week of being sick but by day 6 I thought, "there was no way I'll be feeling better by tomorrow" but when I woke up Monday I felt good!  I was even able to enjoy a beautiful walk with my four-year-old and ate up every minute of it.  Though energy levels aren't fully back I was still able to tidy up the house and never appreciated something so mundane as that.  It is amazing how much more you appreciate feeling good once you've experienced feeling bad.  So I'll take the bad so I can enjoy the good that much more fully.
    With all these chemo drugs in me it makes it really hard to sleep without the help of drugs.  Of course I like to do things natural as much as possible so I asked my holistic doctor if he had anything that compared to the effects of Ativan.  Though Ativan is an anti-anxiolytic it helps with sleep, nausea, and headaches too so they give it to us patients to help with "all of the above".  I don't sleep a wink on the nights I don't take it but I still don't allow myself to take it more than "every other" day to avoid addiction.  Anyway, so my doctor pulls out this concentrated form of Lavender in a pill that is supposed to have similar effects to the very same "Ativan" I had mentioned.  So I bought it and was excited, though the doc did warn me that I may have a few lavender tasting burps (sorry TMI).  I've experienced "fish burps" from fish oil and thought anything is better than that.  Though the label says to just take one my doctor said you have to take two to get the same effect as Ativan.  I took the two right before bed and within minutes I was already burping lavender.  How strange to burp floral scent (there could be a market for this) so I drank more water and got into bed.  As time went on I felt peaceful but not sleepy and the lavender burps got more powerful.  By the middle of the night I felt like I had swallowed a bar of soap the pungent taste was so overpowering.  I decided fish burps were much better because they are milder.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep and was drowning in the lavender essence.  Won't be doing that again!

Chemo #1 day 2

Since the first infusion takes at least 7 hours the doctor said it would be easier--since I have kids--to break it up into two days.  Normally it will be one 5.5-6 hour day every 3 weeks.

Amber drove me to my get the remainder of my first chemo infusion.  Drea watched her kids so she could take me.  These girls have been such a great support to me.  Always so cheerful and helpful.  Once I learned they had pebble ice available Amber kept loading me up with it.  Several people have also said that if you eat ice chips during your treatment your less likely to get mouth sores.

Christi surprised me and stopped by with a cute dancing sunflower to cheer me up.  When you put it in the sun it dances.  She has done so much for our family--cleaning our house, preparing and playing Halloween bingo with the kids, making our family yonanas, and getting me the cutest "Support the Cure" shirt I wore to surgery.  

Lora, who works with me in YW surprised me too and brought me yummy fruit which was just what the doctor ordered.  This is when the queeziness really started setting in.  

Nancy and Beckie came and surprised me too!!!  This is when things got awesome and tricky.  All these surprise visitors came and none of us knew you can only have one visitor in the chemo room at a time.  It was quite hilarious having certain people walking in and then being sent out by the nurse.  Everyone had to "take turns" coming in to visit me while the others waited in the foyer.  At one time there were 4 people waiting out there!  It made me feel SO LOVED!  Each person would take about 15 min to visit with me and then give the next person a turn.  The nurse was really baffled by this and asked if I was the first of ALL the people I knew to have something bad happen to them.  I just told her we have a great support group through church and wanted to tell her, "you don't know the Rockwood 1st ward"!  Both of these ladies have been incredible cheerleaders and have made food, watched babies, brought gifts, driven me to appts, etc. etc.  They also really make me laugh which I was definitely in need of as the chemo drugs were starting to make me feel sick.

By the end of day 2 I was feeling pretty wiped out.  Nancy brought me back a couple hours later to get my Neulasta shot which helps the bones produce more white blood cells.  This shot costs 12,000 a piece!  Can you believe that?!  Thank you insurance!  The nurse noticed as I was walking to get the shot that I was really dragging my legs and wondered if I was okay.  She said usually your not that wiped out until the 3rd day.  I had already taken a Zofran for nausea which I technically wasn't supposed to need until the next day.  She said the Carboplatin chemo drug is very hard-core and that it can be pretty intense so to not be sparing on the nausea meds and sleeping pills.  So that night it hit me hard.  I started bawling to Kelly because the nausea, headache, and bodyaches were really pulling me down.  He had me open a package his sister sent full of beautiful hats she had hand-knit to cover my bald head.  They were beautiful!  Then Beckie brought over some homemade chicken noodle soup and two of the sweetest cards came in the mail.  I was amazed at that very weak moment how the Lord compensated and lifted me.  These times of struggle or so hard but oh how they help us see the Lord's hand and His LOVE!

Chemo #1 day 1

 Getting ready to leave for chemo armored with my "faith, hope, charity" bracelet (thank you Noel and Julie), and my necklace on that says "I CAN do hard things" (thank you Amie).  

 Just as I was walking to the van to go Nancy Robinson came to watch the kids and gave me this awesome shirt to empower me during chemo.

 All hooked up.  I had no idea it would take several hours just to do the premeds which were Benadryl, Anti-nausea meds, steroids, pepcid, and saline.  They have learned that it is best to have these meds already in your system to combat the myriads of side effects.

Chemo/future update

Chemo started Monday and was broken up into two treatments for the first.  Felt a little queezy Monday but yesterday it hit hard.  Today is supposed to be the worst and then I'm told it starts getting better again.  When I'm feeling better I'll update all the details.  I will say, I feel the Lord with us during this very difficult time.

Port or Ipod?

Doctor, I think you left your ipod in me but I can't find the earphone jack.  How's this supposed to work?....

I am still very weirded out by this port but everyone says you will be glad you got it rather than deal with collapsing veins from being poked SO much.  I thought it was going to be more like a heplock iv port...where part of it is poking out of the skin.  Didn't realize they would enclose it under the skin...so I still have to get poked through the skin but it just won't be nearly the poke you normally get.  I've got this discomfort again like when I had the drains--not nearly as bad though.  When I arch my head back it kills because I can feel the catheter moving in the artery but it is probably mostly due to the new incision.  Everyone says after a few weeks you get used to it.  Just hope it isn't driving me too crazy by Monday when I get my first chemo infusion.

I was grateful to be diverted from the discomfort today when my friend Liz (a hairstylist) came over and washed and styled my hair.  She was so sweet because she also cut Kelly's hair as well at no charge.  People are GOOD!

Faces of the Savior

I saw the Savior in MANY faces today.  I have been tremendously touched by it and continue to get choked up as I think of all the ways the Lord is manifesting His love and comfort to us through others.  It was amazing as today I was physically feeling very ill but spiritually being fed and lifted constantly.  This morning I was so drained and feeling I couldn't go in tomorrow for surgery to put the port in for chemo while feeling this way.  My regular alternative doctor was not in and I desperately needed a treatment to get me through tomorrow's surgery.  I found one that a couple people have mentioned was inexpensive but good and so I got an appointment.  A sweet lady from church came over and took care of the kids while my mom drove me to the appt.  He gave a wonderful treatment and was SO kind.  He asked if my name was on the temple prayer roll and said he wanted to pray for me.  He did extra work on me and sent me home with extras and as I pulled out my wallet to pay him (which usually costs triple when it is a new patient visit) he said it was free of charge and that he was going to pray for me.  I was about to cry as this man who had never met me before today gave this selfless gift of service.  Words couldn't even express my gratitude for his Christlike act of kindness.

   Later I looked on facebook and saw I was tagged on Kelly's page with the above picture.  Some girls at work had these bracelets made for everyone to wear to show their support for me and my family.  Kelly said these girls went around and gave everyone in the office a bracelet to show support and then handed Kelly a large bag full of these bracelets to hand out to friends and family.  On Facebook people started commenting  saying they wanted some to show their support and would even pay postage to have some sent.  When Kelly came home I lost it and through my tears said how amazed I was at the LOVE of others and how they truly are reflecting the Savior;s love through their actions.  Then to top it off I came home to a beautiful package filled with homemade hats to wear when I lose my hair.  Also included was a little teddy bear with a matching hat to bring to my chemo treatments or squeeze when I'm feeling sick.  So many tender mercies today.

   Coming soon...another sweet story of the sacrifices made to give our family a fun and diverting photo session :).

   

Making progress

Two milestones today!  The first one is my pain has significantly reduced and my energy improved so I got to drive Ephraim to preschool today!  I even got to drive to a friend's house for lunch and pick up her son to go to the same preschool.  It felt SO good and was a blessing from the Lord to have some time before chemo starts next week that I can help with my kids and get out a little.  As hard as things have been lately I'm SO grateful for how it has taught me to appreciate the little things and to enjoy my relationships so much more.  My family has become precious to me.  Each giggle or hug or connection made is treasured in a deeper way than before.
     The other milestone today was something my mom said that was an answer to prayer.  Like I've said in previous posts, Kelly and I have fervently prayed about whether to do the alternative or medical route to treat this cancer.  Though I always like to try alternative first before depending on western medicine we both received strong answers from the Lord that we needed to incorporate both the alternative and the medical route.  It may be for more reasons than just physical but for our circumstance this is what the Lord has led us to do.  It was hard, at first, to accept this because it meant losing my hair and dealing with a myriad of other possible side effects.  It was also hard because my mom wasn't on board with the medical route simply because she saw how my grandfather suffered and passed away from the effects of chemo rather than the cancer itself.  She said she couldn't bare to watch me suffer through this if there could be a possible alternative.  There have been people that she has met or heard of (as well as I) that have cured their cancer from alternative options and diet and she really wanted me to do the same.  I double-checked with the Lord a couple of times to make sure this truly was the best choice for our family and each time I've still felt we needed to go this path.  It still made it hard that my mom struggled with it though and I was beginning to get nervous about starting chemo next week with her here and having a hard time with it.  I've been praying the last few days that my mom could have peace about our decision so that we could go into it with full support.  Today that prayer was answered when my mom came up to me this morning and said she felt peace about the chemo.  She said she can now see the chemo as pruning a tree...there will be branches cut back and taken away which could seem painful but in the end it will make that tree stronger than it ever was before.  That line right there amazed me because it was the very analogy my holistic doctor used yesterday to help explain the need for chemotherapy used along with holistic medicine/therapy.  What a beautiful and direct way the Lord answered my prayer!

Goodbye Recliner

Dear Recliner,

You have been great these past few weeks supporting me and propping me up at night when my bed couldn't offer that post-surgery.  I appreciate what you've done for me but now it is time to say good-bye to our night-time resting periods.  Last night after a great acupuncture/chiropractic treatment and massage I was able to graduate back to my bed, sleeping by my sweet hubby.  With the help of supportive pillows I was even able to sleep on my side.  It felt SO good to be next to my love and to be back on my side.  Oh how I've ached to have those two things back into my night-time sleep routine and now they are.  I felt so much more rested this morning upon waking up!  So again, thank you for getting me through the last 2.5 weeks but now I'm happy to say goodby!

Really struggling today.  I wish every day I can be inspirational or have good news but today I'm just feeling really down and sad.  I want so badly to be a normal mom today and am mourning that I can't.  I want to make dinner and drive my kids to their activities and pick Salem up and work out at the gym and go to playgroup.  I don't want my social interaction being limited to the doctors and nurses and discussing my cancer.  Yet at the same time I am so consumed with cancer that I feel I need to talk about it and let it out.  I don't want to lose my hair and feel sick all the time.  Can't I just heal from the surgery and skip the chemo?  You cut it all out of me right?  Kelly and I prayed about this and I need to hold to that because in these moments of weakness I feel like I want to just nix the chemo and do the alternative route.  I've got to hold to my faith and remember the answer I received.  This always happens, after being loaded up with inspiration (general conference last weekend) and strength it is always then that the adversary tries to pull us down and make us doubt.  Okay, I'm feeling better now already.  Get thee hence Satan!  You are NOT welcome to this party!!

Surgery

My surgery was two weeks ago today and I am amazed at the way my body has been healing.  Things went very smoothly with my surgery and we were so relieved to hear that my cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes which was a miracle with all that was going on in my right side and the type of cancer that it is.  Waking up in the recovery room was a bit traumatic because it was so difficult to breathe with my lungs.  I had to breathe with my diaphragm to get a decent amount of air.  Luckily I was prepared for this as I knew that once they do the mastectomy they put in tissue expanders behind the pectoral muscle.  This causes them to spasm which in turn causes the difficulty breathing.  Knowing this made it much less freaky when I woke up but it was still nonetheless painful.  The pain was bad but as I fully awoke they gave me some valium and percocet for the pain and spasms.  It was quite tolerable after that.  Everything was going very smoothly until I looked down and noticed my right side bulging from my hospital gown.  I asked the nurse if I was supposed to be so lopsided.  She then inspected it and I noticed it was growing bigger by the minute.  As it was growing I was feeling more and more intense pain.  The nurse said it was not good and that they would have to do surgery on it because it was not draining but would call the doctor and see what he thought.  The plastic surgeon was in surgery so she called the breast surgeon who told her to ice it.  When that ice came on the pain became excruciating.  The nurse said I had a hematoma and was filling with blood.  I started hyperventilating and crying because the pain was becoming unbearable.  I had already taken my pain meds so the nurse said she would give me an iv of morphine.  Didn't even touch the pain.  Right when I thought I could not take it one more minute a voice came in my mind that said "tell your mother to sing to you".  My mom was sitting next to me and not knowing what to do.  I told her to start singing.  She began to sing with her most melodic voice beautiful hymns of comfort such as; "Abide With Me, Tis Eventide"; "Savior, Pilot, Me", "Come Thou Fount" and so forth.  I felt surrounded by angels and I could feel them singing with my mother and filling me with comfort and relief from the pain.  I told my mom, "the angels are singing with you", and she was choked up as she witnessed the profound spirit in the room and knew that what I said was true.  My mom and the angels continued to soothe my pain until the plastic surgeon and surgery crew got there about 30 minutes later.  When Dr. Brunworth got there he put his hand on my leg and said how sorry he was I had to experience this.  He said he must have missed cauterizing a vein somewhere which was most likely the cause of this.  What doctor does that?  Will apologize and say he may have missed something?  All I can say is I was thoroughly impressed with his compassion and honesty.  He and the surgery crew then wheeled me into the OR and transferred me to the surgical table.  This transferring brought all the pain back in its intensity and I began to hyperventilate again.  The nurse said I would be out in about a minute and to just breathe through the pain.  Dr. Brunworth in the meantime was rubbing my hand trying to soothe me since my mom wasn't there to sing.  This is the most compassionate doctor I have ever met and he is my age!  Well, a year older anyway.  He made the experience so much more bearable.  He found during the surgery that the blood was coming from everywhere not from one unattended vein and it worried him that I might have a blood disorder because my body was also bruising everywhere a needle or knife touched.  Luckily those test just came back negative.  They think it must be related to the advil I accidentally took two nights before which can thin the blood.  The main thing is...I have a doctor who is so good he is willing to take the blame for something that wasn't even his fault.  He will definitely be recommended.

Back to blogging for cancer therapy

So I haven't blogged in a couple years.  Hope I still know how to do this...
Because of the monumental life change going on in the Checketts family right now I knew I needed to start blogging again just to get things off my chest...haha (if you know what's up in our family you'll think that one can be taken literally as well).  So get this therapy going....
      A month ago on a Friday evening I received a call from a nurse at the breast and cancer institute down the street.  I had gone in the Wednesday before for an ultrasound, mammogram, and biopsy for a lump that they had diagnosed as fibroidadenoma.  No biggie.  They said it was a small benign tumor that most likely would not even have to be removed.  The only reason they had done a biopsy is because it was not a cyst and if it is not a cyst they always do a biopsy just to make sure.  The nurse said, "as traumatic as this may seem right now you will probably forget about it by the time you have to get another mammogram".  I was relieved and grateful and did begin to forget about it already by Friday as the biopsy pain was mostly gone.  During that appointment I had also asked the nurses if the "staff" infection on that same side that had not responded to my doctor's antibiotics or any of my natural remedies could be related to any of this.  She as well as my OB/GYN both said that it most likely was not related.  It had improved a little from the antibiotics and I just thought maybe I needed some stronger antibiotics to get rid of it.  So I was relieved that I had "double-checked" and was mostly back to normal life when the nurse called me that Friday night a month ago.  Dinner was almost ready and the kids were hungry and crying so the nurse asked if I wanted her to call back.  I said Kelly was home so it was okay and I went in the next room.  The nurse and I engaged in some light conversation and then she told me she had my pathology results.  I noticed a change in her voice.  She slowly and carefully explained that the test results came back positive for cancer.  A rush of adrenaline flooded my body and I didn't know what to say.  All I could say was, "woah, that was not what I was expecting".  She agreed and said it was not what any of them at the office were expecting either.  I tried to be as positive as possible with the nurse while still in shock and then politely hung up.
    Since that call a month ago our lives have taken the biggest turn we have EVER experienced.  We found out I have hormone negative/her2 positive breast cancer along with Paget's disease (where the cancer has spread to the surface of the skin).  This is a high grade aggressive cancer which requires chemotherapy and a mastectomy.  Because I love alternative therapy and healthy living I seriously pondered going the alternative route to avoid surgery and chemo but the more Kelly and I have prayed about it the more we have felt that we need to be like the cancer....AGGRESSIVE and do both the alternative and medical route.  This is harder to do now but we feel will pay off in the end because we will have done cancer-killing therapy at all angles.  I also had to make the very difficult decision of whether to do a single or double mastectomy.  After a lot of advice from survivors, a long pros/cons list, and some serious fasting and prayer we both felt we should go ahead and do the double mastectomy.  It was hard to take in the thought of having the most feminine part of my body removed but I felt a beautiful spirit buoy me up and was reminded that reconstruction is a part of the process as well.  I am SO grateful to live in this day and age where medical research and treatments are advanced and make it a much less traumatic experience than it used to be.  I am also incredibly humbled at how the Savior ALWAYS steps in and delegates ministering angels to strengthen and lift us through these kind of trials.  I have felt His Spirit SO strong in our home the last month and have seen it shining through the eyes of my children, husband, extended family, and friends.  We have been FLOODED with love and support from both sides of the veil and I am humbled at how the Lord has sent comfort whenever we have needed it........like today, in fact!  I was feeling very isolated and alone and had the thought come to me that I needed to write our experiences.  I feel so much better already!