Surgery

April 15 was my fourth surgery since my original diagnosis of breast cancer.  This surgery was a much happier one then the others because it was to restore my femininity.  That's right, reconstruction.  Humpty Dumpty got to get put back together again and though it hurts it is a much less painful process than the mastectomy was.

looks like a shop-vac attachment

got to have my sweetie by my side for 24 hours straight

no big complications with surgery...except for a mild reaction to the anasthetic which caused major itching and low oxygen.  Some benadryl took care of that

Moving

Since our inspiring conference get-away last weekend I've been in tears everyday--and I'm not someone who cries easily.  I would love to say the tears are from recalling all the tender mercies and inspirational messages given at conference but they are honestly from the heartache of knowing I will soon be leaving this place that I've come to love so much.  On Sunday we officially accepted a job that will land us back in Utah in June.  We have prayed and prayed about this opportunity and as much apprehension I have about moving to a new place while still undergoing cancer treatment and leaving the amazing support system and cherished friendships I have in St Louis--we feel the Lord is guiding us this direction.  I just wish it didn't have to be so hard.  We LOVE St Louis and its people and how they have carried our family through this cancer journey.  How can I leave these good people especially before I have had the chance to repay all the service they have done for our family?  I don't understand and every time I think about it I become a blubbering mess all over again.  I really don't want to leave!!!  Why does this one have to be so hard?  I keep doubting my answer because I think if this was really the Lord's will then it wouldn't be so painful--that I would just be excited about the job opportunity for Kelly and the chance to be closer to family.  When I remind myself of the beautiful experiences we had in Salt Lake (i.e. running into our mission president/ being fed lunch by perfect strangers) after praying if this was the right direction for our family then I have courage to go forward.  I'm SO grateful for the time the Lord has granted us to get to know this lovely place and people.  Our memories here will be cherished forever.

Poor Haela

So Haela has done remarkably well the past 3 years and has NOT been hospitalized for her asthma until, of course, this year....what a whirlwind!  Not only did she land herself in the hospital but in the intensive care unit with VERY stubborn asthma.  It started with a slight respiratory cold, then an exposure to cats (which she can handle in small doses normally), then a major change in weather along with going a week without her daily inhaler (we found this out later as she explained her inhaler fell under her bed and when she would remember to take it the lights were already out and she was scared of reaching underneath and finding some goblin/monster/spider/ or other unknown creature).  BAD mix!  So after 7 hours in the E.R. they admitted her into the PICU.  Luckily this girl always seems to turn a corner on the 2nd-3rd day.  I guess her magic number is 3 because that is ALWAYS how long she ends up staying in the hospital.  At first I thought, "Really?  She's been clear for 3 years and NOW is the time she flares up?  Right when I start feeling good again from intense surgery and aggressive chemotherapy???"  Then I realized it's all in how you look at it.  She got sick as soon as I was really starting to feel strong again and that was truly a blessing.  If it would have been two weeks sooner that she nose-dived I wouldn't have been ready to help her.  Instead, the Lord allowed me to be feeling good again before this happened and I felt strong enough.  I was able to dote on her and wait on her and give her everything a mother wants to do when her child is really sick and that was such a blessing.

Plus, she got room service, endless movies, and good bonding time with both me and Kelly....but we are SO grateful she bounced back quickly.  Love that girl!

No More Fear

It is amazing how the body heals even after being pushed down MANY times!  Though I had some good weeks during chemo when I wasn't feeling "sick" I still felt very wiped out most of the time.  Right when the body starts to recover and regain some strength it gets knocked down again by another treatment.  Though these Herceptin "biotherapy" treatments I am now getting are a bit more than I planned on they are still so much easier than the chemo drugs.  I do get achy and very tired which was unexpected but the nice part is it only lasts for a day.  I was worried the last time that I might still end up being in the same boat as chemo...sick for a week and then still tired all the time but no...Just one day and then I'm back working out again and getting stronger every day.  Every week or so I gain this new found energy that feels amazing!  I can work out again after six months of being sedentary!  My muscles feel sore and I love it because it means I have the strength to work out again!  This road has been a difficult climb but the scenery has been beautiful.  The closeness to the Savior, the help of angels on both sides of the veil, and the strength the Lord has given me.  I'm not afraid of trials anymore.  It used to bring me great anxiety wondering what great trials I would be called to endure but now that I've come to understand more about what the enabling power of the atonement is all about... I'm not afraid.  He will not lead you to a trial without giving you the strength you need to endure it.  The miracles and blessings flood out all the negative in the end and the journey is worth it!

Not so "uneventful" in the chemo room

I had expected today to be a very uneventful visit to the chemo room as now I am just doing the biotherapy Herceptin drug which I hear, at worst, makes people tired.  I planned to be gone for an hour or two and then run to the gym to workout (yes, I started back up again last week and it has felt so good!), followed by grocery shopping.  I realize tired is relative because my perception of tired is being a little slower than usual but you can still get things done.  Well the tired I'm feeling is not going to allow me to workout today or run errands but just lay down and take a nap then probably chill the rest of the day.  My brain feels very fuzzy too which I'm a little bummed about since I really hoped "chemo brain" would be over now that I'm done with the hardcore drugs.  Oh well, hope everyone understands that I may be a little "slower" for another 7-8 months :).  I'm also feeling jittery and a bit nauseated but that shouldn't be from the meds but from what I witnessed while getting my i.v.  The lady across from me but facing the opposite direction had a scary reaction to the Carboplatin drug (one of the chemo drugs I had) being administered to her.  She said she was feeling sick and so the nurse went to get her a barf bowl--not terribly uncommon in the chemo room--but then the nurse came back and had a nervous look on her face.  She called another nurse over and that nurse went running to get the doctor.  That's when it got scary.  The lady started slumping down in her chair and became completely unresponsive.  Her oxygen and blood pressure were dropping and three nurses gathered around her holding her face and trying to get her to come to.  The doctor came out and saw her and immediately told them to dial 911 (we don't have emergency services at that specific location).  They brought her oxygen and the doctor and 3 nurses kept working to get her back to a conscious state.  Seeing the doctor's and nurses' faces was what made it so scary.  When they look panicked then it makes it harder to remain calm.  I started feeling really afraid for this lady and her poor husband who was right there helplessly watching it all.  Then I remembered to say a prayer.  I fervently prayed in my mind for this lady to be okay...that this would not be her time.  Moments later she became aware again and the whole room breathed a sigh of relief.  The funny part was the first words out of her mouth were "Oh sh__!"  The doctor laughed gratefully for the comic relief.  Paramedics then arrived and transported her to the main hospital for careful monitering.  Now I understand why they give us such high doses of Benadryl before they administer the chemo.  I wanted to ask the doctor if I could get the chemo without the Benadryl at one time because the megadose made me feel so much worse than I already was.  It is rough stuff but it probably saved this lady's life today.

Chemo #6!!!

I witnessed a small but beautiful miracle as the nurse brought me my blood counts before treatment on Monday.  My counts not only didn't go down but they went up an entire point!  They have only gone down with each treatment so I knew this was an answer to prayer.  I had a peaceful feeling that all the prayers that were offered would do the job and keep my counts high enough to receive treatment but when I looked at the results and saw they went up I was so touched by such a tender mercy.  Faith truly does precede miracles.  Here are the pictures to show what a special day it was.

I couldn't get the video to work on my blog but if you want to see the official ringing of the bell you can click on the facebook link.

       https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10203223574216998&l=9091013661585286121

Opposition

I was SO grateful for today, though I'm still feeling icky.  Lately I've felt disconnected from the Spirit which has been so difficult.  I realize it is because of this continuous brain fog that comes from the chemo.  It has become more noticeable with each treatment and stays with me even after the sickness lifts.  If zombies were real I could probably relate to their mental state!  But today--though I was still dealing with "chemo-sickness" I had little moments where I felt connected again and it was wonderful.  The main one was tonight when we sat around the table together and Kelly started asking the kids questions about Adam and Eve.  I realized we had not had any meaningful family night's with lessons in several months and being able to discuss as a family the importance of certain gospel principles--including opposition--felt SO good.  We explained how Opposition was introduced in the garden of Eden and why that was so important.  My thoughts were somewhat jumbled (as they are right now while I'm trying to explain this :)) but then, for a moment, the fog dissipated and everything clicked.  We shared how Haela used to struggle so much with her asthma and was hospitalized many times but now can run a 5K without stopping.  Without the opposition of her health struggle she could never have felt the same joy that she did when she ran across that finish line for the first time.  Her joy was much greater because she had gone through such a low with her health.  As I was sharing this I felt a confirmation that this health struggle I am currently going through is going to be so much a part of my future joy that I will feel when I come out of it.  This was really what I needed to remember tonight as lately I've become much more anxious to "hurry up and get it over with".  I've been forgetting the importance of "enduring it well" and having patience in the current state and journey I'm on.  It is all part of the joy I will feel later.  This cloud over my brain and nagging body discomforts will make me that much more grateful for that "clearness of mind" and general "healthy" feeling that will come later.  So for right now, I will be content.

5 Down, 1 To Go!

Nancy surprised me with these beautiful roses 5 pink ones and one white.  Represents the 5 I've done with 1 left!

Phew!  Just barely got my treatment today as my white blood count and red blood counts were low.  When the white blood count gets too low they can't do chemo because one of it's side effects is suppressing white cell production.  Then your chances of infection skyrocket.  When red cells/hemoglobin get too low then severe anemia and bruising can result.  It's tricky because it's bad if these are too low and it's bad if they're too high (like in cases of leukemia white blood cells are way too high).  Wow, who knew I could explain any of this trying to see through all this brain fog (another side effect of chemo:))!  So my white blood count was at 3 when it should be between 4 and 9.  I started at 9 and slowly keep descending so keep those prayers coming so my body can keep it high enough to get my last hard treatment on February 3rd as planned!  I heard two more bells ring today and I cannot tell you how many emotions it stirs in me!  I've just got to hear that bell on Feb. 3rd!!!!  I'm so tremendously grateful for how strong my body HAS been through all of this!  Though chemo week is pretty awful and catching every bug my kids bring home is rough my body always bounces back.  This is a definite benefit of getting cancer at a young age.  Your body is still very strong and more resilient to all it's put through.  Also, it is usually a more aggressive cancer which is scary but your body lets you know fast that something is wrong and so it can often be treated before it's done too much damage.  All this has given me a most incredible gratitude and testimony that our bodies are temples.  I've always loved eating healthy but now more then ever before I want to treat my body as the temple that it is.  It's been through too much to not put nourishing things into it.   Okay, I've got to cut things short.  I feel SO weak...just got to get to sleep.

My chemo #5 buddies

Never thought some pink rubber bracelets would give me so much strength!  Seeing these on people's wrists is like giving me a thousand hugs and prayers!  Thank you!

Hats

 As I'm watching an episode of Downton Abbey last night Ephraim asked, "why are there so many bald girls in this show??"  Since all I wear is hats (especially 1920's style cloche hats) and I'm bald it's only natural he thinks anyone else wearing these hats is bald too!

Courage and Trust

Yay!  4 down and just 2 of the hard ones left.  Today I felt fine until the last two hours and then my blood pressure dropped to 83/48 I've felt pretty icky since then.  It is amazing how well you can feel one moment and so sick the next.  That is where getting chemotherapy teaches you to have courage.  Courage to allow these doctors and nurses to give you stuff that is going to make you feel pretty darn sick for a week, and faith that all the sickness will be worth it in the end to have your life preserved.  I am SO grateful that I was given the gift to feel not only okay but excellent for Christmas and to be flooded with love, surprises, and sincere birthday wishes.  The kids kept saying yesterday that it was the "BEST Christmas EVER!"  It was thoroughly enjoyed and I will hold to that sweet treasure of a day throughout this week...then all the sickness isn't so bad.  I'm having a feeling that this may be a hard one because of how sick I already feel but "We Can Do Hard Things".

Giving

I thought I could keep up with posting our gratitude and giving adequate credit to each amazing act of service done for our family.  Who knew that this, at times, would be harder than the cancer itself...not being able to repay or sincerely thank EVERY kindness given to us.  We are forever changed by the tremendous outpouring of love, service, and generosity.  I used to scroll past fundraisers for people I didn't know but now, after the magnitude of what has been given to us, I must do something...even if it is something small.  A girl with four young kids like myself, who is dying from her cancer, donated to our family when she found out our situation.  Others families who are hardly making ends meat have donated or done great services for our family.  At first, we struggled with terrible feelings of guilt that these type of people were doing things like this for us.  We just wanted to give back to them and more feeling they needed it far more than we did.  Then I thought of the "widow's mite" story in the bible and how the widow who had nothing wanted to give all that she had to the Lord.  As some of these people who are hardly able to give or serve do so in the name of the Lord they are teaching us a most powerful lesson, that everything we have is from the Lord.  Just as the priest bought Jean ValJean's soul in Les Miserables with two candlesticks I feel these people who could hardly give but still did  have bought my soul.  I hope that I will always remember and give as they have given.

Bald Entertainment

So if you want some cheap entertainment watch a bald person eat...I took my hat off at dinner and the family was thoroughly enthralled by the mandibular muscle action going on as they watched me chew my food.  Who knew all the awesomeness hiding under that hair :) :) :).

Kids say the darndest things

We could tell that "cancer" and "surgery" have been a big part of our vocabulary lately as we overheard Salem playing with her dolls and saying, "okay, now you have to get your surgery" and then "thank you for getting cancer with me!"....don't think she understands that cancer isn't a good thing! :)

Renewed

I was getting down earlier this week when I caught yet another cold (my 3rd one in 3 weeks) just after getting over the chemo sickness.  It was hard not to let myself think about what I was doing last year compared to now.  I had just run my first half marathon, was hosting a "healthy-eating" support group, and hadn't been sick for almost a year.  Now I'm catching colds every week it seems and working out maybe once a month doing a 20 min slow-paced eliptical workout while undergoing chemotherapy for cancer treatment.  Things have changed but then I remembered the beautiful experience I had in the temple the day we found out I had cancer.  I was filled with the most beautiful light and love that was overwhelming.  It truly felt as though angels were surrounding me and giving me the strength I needed to work through this new trial.  Thoughts came to my mind of how this trial would be a tremendous blessing in my life and that much joy would come of it.  I was SO grateful to have had that experience in the temple before all this began to be able to hold to when things got tough.  As I recalled that experience I also recalled all those people who've been through this that I've come in contact with that are now doing wonderful.  This gave me renewed strength and determination and I felt better.  I have a friend I've met through facebook who is going through the same thing right now and is on the same chemo schedule.  She was also having a difficult time this week and after I felt my lift I wrote this in response to her deep desire to get away and take a vacation.  I wanted to post it in my blog so that I can remember when I get down again...

Oh (name withheld)i, I so felt this same way yesterday! I even mentioned to my husband, "can we go to some tropical paradise vacation when all this is over??" Chemo is hard stuff, especially to be going through during winter months. Although the winter does fit our current situation. We are in the winter right now, the chemo is killing the cancer in our bodies and often feels and looks like it's killing us too. We may look and feel dead like the trees outside but I'm holding out for spring when we finish this hard stuff and our bodies will come back to life just like the trees outside. We are getting some serious pruning right now and it hurts but in the spring we will be well again. I've seen so many people that are doing better now--a few months out from chemo--then they have in years (some are still doing Herceptin right now too). Their hair's growing back, they have energy, they can work out again. This is going to be you and me hopefully by April...then maybe we can take our warm vacation to celebrate . Love you girl! We can do hard things!!!!!!!!!!

Halfway point!!!

 My friends, Amber and Drea surprised me with these matching shirts to wear to chemo.

Chemo #3.  Just 3 more of the hard stuff then the rest of the year will just be 40 minute treatments of Herceptin that supposedly don't make you sick.  YAY!!!!  I wore my "I Am Strong" socks during my treatment.  They are very empowering.


Today was more reassuring as I felt more like a veteren having made it to "halfway done"!!!  Today was the first time I heard the most beautiful noise in the infusion room.  The sound of a bell.  It reminded me of shopping at Trader Joe's and they ring a bell when they have met a goal.  But the bell in the chemo room represents something much more grand.  When you hear that beautiful bell ring it means someone just finished their LAST chemo treatment.  Many clap and shout "hooray" for the person who has finished something SO daunting, yet so brave.  That bell rang twice today and brought many emotions to hear.  All of us in that room know that chemo stinks and makes us all feel very vulnerable.  Along with all the joyous celebrating for the two bells rung today I also witnessed something that made me sad.  The lady diagonally across the room came in to start her chemo treatment and was crying.  I didn't know if she was crying knowing how sick she was about to feel or if she was already feeling awful and didn't want to add the chemo poison to the equation.  Whatever it was she was desperately not wanting to have to get yet another dose of medicine that would only make her feel worse.  I wanted to give her a hug and tell her to let it all out.  Sometimes just venting about how hard it is really helps.  It is amazing the love I feel for these women going through the same thing.  I've never experienced such a strong feeling for people I haven't even met.  Usually with each treatment you get to know the stories of the women around you and sometimes it lifts and inspires while other times you just hurt for these women.  My heart ached for the woman in tears who was struggling terribly yet was filled with joy by the bells ringing and the wonderful women sitting next to me.  She is 30 years older then me yet we made an instant bond and chatted through the whole 6 hours of treatment.  Her husband was there who I could feel was very supportive.  They were both so positive yet honest about the hard things regarding chemo and cancer.  We seemed very similar regarding our strong belief in God, the joys of raising a family with four kids, and our love for healthy living.  A lot of these women in the chemo room haven't adopted healthy eating habits so it was so nice to sit by someone who has.  Since my diagnosis I have this deep desire to one day become a nutrition counselor for cancer patients.  I know it can't take the cancer away but it can give such a great quality of life and help greater protection against future disease.  Okay, time to go lay down.  The nausea, bodyaches, and heavy feeling are setting in.  Only 3 more hardcore treatments and I will hear that bell ring for.....me!!!!

Cancer Support Do's

Love my family!  Showing their support from afar by cutting their hair.  My sister and sister-in-law donated their hair for wigs.  My brother not only buzzed his head but shaved it bald.  And my sweet little nephew helped shave my brother's and followed with his own little buzz to show support.  Did I say I LOVE my family????

The Wilderness

The doctor's prepared me with the understanding that the chemotherapy would most likely put me (as it does most) into a temporary menopause.  Instead it has done the opposite.  My ovaries have been put into overdrive and are giving me cycles every two weeks with intense cramps.  Also, the one cyst that I had in my right ovary has turned into several cysts in both ovaries ranging from 1 and 2 cm, which cause a lot of nausea.  Normally, cysts can be dissolved simply with a couple months of birth control but because I have breast cancer any hormone treatment is out of the question.  The doctors don't really know what to do with me as this is not the norm.  The kids have also brought home several sicknesses that I have caught making the other hormonal stuff less manageable.  Then yesterday after church I experienced my first migraine which did not let up until tonight after a good accupuncture treatment and help from a friend.  The headache is still there but is at least manageable unlike the migraine.  I have had several bad headaches in my life but oh the debilitating migraine where you can't move or have lights or noise going is awful.  Can't imagine what it must be like for those who get them often.  Obviously, right now, I'm feeling a little more defeated...but I am accepting that this my current "wilderness" just as Lehi and his family had to go through theirs.  I am holding to the fact that I can be strengthened during the "wilderness of my afflictions" and that the Lord will "provide means whereby...(I)..can accomplish the thing which he has commanded...(and)..provide means...while (I) sojourn in the wilderness" (1 Nephi 17:3 Book of Mormon). 

Prayer and Cheerleaders

 Today was a harder day as my mom is now gone, my kids are sick, and I'm trying to face life normally in an abnormal situation.  In other words, I let down my guard and had a pity party for myself.  Then I said a silent prayer in my heart for Heavenly Father to help give me a lift.  I even said in my prayer, "I need some cheerleaders today".  Literally 5 minutes after that cry for help Ephraim replied the mail was here and ran to bring it in.  There in the pile of mostly junk mail were two inspiring postcards from my visiting teacher and a letter and check from a friend in Tennessee that said in the memo, "Charity's Cheerleaders".  The Lord redeemed me today through the hands of inspired friends.

Haela's 5K race dedication

I've been SO amazed by the way Haela has taken all this cancer stuff in.  She has stepped up and started helping me more, drawing me inspiring pictures, making lunches, composing songs for me on the piano (they're amateur but so sweet and touching), getting Salem dressed in the morning, and her latest was dedicating her run to me.  Instead of her standard orange "Girls on the Run" shirt she wore pink.  She also wore her pink socks and pink bracelet.  This girl who used to be hospitalized every year for asthma has shown us all what hard work and determination can do.  The past two years she has started running and taken control of her asthma.  Instead of hospital visits she is running races...and dedicating them to her momma fighting breast cancer.  Love this girl!

Chemo #2

Just had chemo treatment #2 on Monday and felt a little less "rookie" than last time.  I knew what to expect which helped a lot.  This was much shorter than the first one which spanned two days.  I went in at 8:45 and left at about 2:45.  Six hours of filling me up with drugs and fluids.  I never would have thought chemotherapy would be so time consuming.  Originally I thought I would like to just have someone drop me off and pick me up when I was done but I realize now I like the company to make the time pass.  This time Kristine took me which was nice because she is a nurse practitioner and was not afraid to ask why they used a certain medication or why I had to pay a "specialist" copay, etc.  It was soothing to have someone there who has  medical background.  She was fun to talk to.  When the Benadryl kicked in and made me a little less then coherent she was also very understanding...It is so strange how the first hour your just chatting away and then all of a sudden you feel you're in another world and don't quite know how to carry on conversation.  Then after you work through that for an hour or two it goes away and you can converse again.  Weird stuff.  Kristine stayed until noon and then Edee showed up with lunch for us!  What a pleasant surprise!  The nausea starts to hit after a few hours and so I was so grateful to get the lunch in before the nausea came.  Though we are only allowed one visitor at a time the nurse didn't shoo away Edee so the three of us were able to eat lunch and chat for 10-15 minutes.  Then Nancy came in and touched my heart as she wore her crocheted hat and pulled all her hair back to show her support of chemo day...and the fact that a few days before we shaved my head.  It meant so much to me to see her in that hat!  I'm continuously amazed by the sweet things people will do to help ease the burden.

 This is Nancy, me, Edee, and Kristine just before we got in trouble for breaking the rules:).  After the four of us visited for 5 or 10 minutes the nurse had to tell us "only 1 visitor at a time"!  Nancy stayed and I said goodbye and thank-you to Kristine and Edee for making my day.  Kristine surprised me with a beautiful hat from the cancer boutique in the same building.  People are good...

Thankfully, this round has not been as bad as the last round.  I didn't have near the wretched nausea that I did last time.  It comes in waves but is milder and more doable.  I also didn't deprive myself of the sleeping pills (it is really hard to sleep after all the steroids they give you) which I think helped make things less severe.  My only complaint was I caught my kid's colds by the end of the week which contributed to a bit more of a general ill feeling--still not as bad as last time though.