No More Fear

It is amazing how the body heals even after being pushed down MANY times!  Though I had some good weeks during chemo when I wasn't feeling "sick" I still felt very wiped out most of the time.  Right when the body starts to recover and regain some strength it gets knocked down again by another treatment.  Though these Herceptin "biotherapy" treatments I am now getting are a bit more than I planned on they are still so much easier than the chemo drugs.  I do get achy and very tired which was unexpected but the nice part is it only lasts for a day.  I was worried the last time that I might still end up being in the same boat as chemo...sick for a week and then still tired all the time but no...Just one day and then I'm back working out again and getting stronger every day.  Every week or so I gain this new found energy that feels amazing!  I can work out again after six months of being sedentary!  My muscles feel sore and I love it because it means I have the strength to work out again!  This road has been a difficult climb but the scenery has been beautiful.  The closeness to the Savior, the help of angels on both sides of the veil, and the strength the Lord has given me.  I'm not afraid of trials anymore.  It used to bring me great anxiety wondering what great trials I would be called to endure but now that I've come to understand more about what the enabling power of the atonement is all about... I'm not afraid.  He will not lead you to a trial without giving you the strength you need to endure it.  The miracles and blessings flood out all the negative in the end and the journey is worth it!

Not so "uneventful" in the chemo room

I had expected today to be a very uneventful visit to the chemo room as now I am just doing the biotherapy Herceptin drug which I hear, at worst, makes people tired.  I planned to be gone for an hour or two and then run to the gym to workout (yes, I started back up again last week and it has felt so good!), followed by grocery shopping.  I realize tired is relative because my perception of tired is being a little slower than usual but you can still get things done.  Well the tired I'm feeling is not going to allow me to workout today or run errands but just lay down and take a nap then probably chill the rest of the day.  My brain feels very fuzzy too which I'm a little bummed about since I really hoped "chemo brain" would be over now that I'm done with the hardcore drugs.  Oh well, hope everyone understands that I may be a little "slower" for another 7-8 months :).  I'm also feeling jittery and a bit nauseated but that shouldn't be from the meds but from what I witnessed while getting my i.v.  The lady across from me but facing the opposite direction had a scary reaction to the Carboplatin drug (one of the chemo drugs I had) being administered to her.  She said she was feeling sick and so the nurse went to get her a barf bowl--not terribly uncommon in the chemo room--but then the nurse came back and had a nervous look on her face.  She called another nurse over and that nurse went running to get the doctor.  That's when it got scary.  The lady started slumping down in her chair and became completely unresponsive.  Her oxygen and blood pressure were dropping and three nurses gathered around her holding her face and trying to get her to come to.  The doctor came out and saw her and immediately told them to dial 911 (we don't have emergency services at that specific location).  They brought her oxygen and the doctor and 3 nurses kept working to get her back to a conscious state.  Seeing the doctor's and nurses' faces was what made it so scary.  When they look panicked then it makes it harder to remain calm.  I started feeling really afraid for this lady and her poor husband who was right there helplessly watching it all.  Then I remembered to say a prayer.  I fervently prayed in my mind for this lady to be okay...that this would not be her time.  Moments later she became aware again and the whole room breathed a sigh of relief.  The funny part was the first words out of her mouth were "Oh sh__!"  The doctor laughed gratefully for the comic relief.  Paramedics then arrived and transported her to the main hospital for careful monitering.  Now I understand why they give us such high doses of Benadryl before they administer the chemo.  I wanted to ask the doctor if I could get the chemo without the Benadryl at one time because the megadose made me feel so much worse than I already was.  It is rough stuff but it probably saved this lady's life today.

Chemo #6!!!

I witnessed a small but beautiful miracle as the nurse brought me my blood counts before treatment on Monday.  My counts not only didn't go down but they went up an entire point!  They have only gone down with each treatment so I knew this was an answer to prayer.  I had a peaceful feeling that all the prayers that were offered would do the job and keep my counts high enough to receive treatment but when I looked at the results and saw they went up I was so touched by such a tender mercy.  Faith truly does precede miracles.  Here are the pictures to show what a special day it was.

I couldn't get the video to work on my blog but if you want to see the official ringing of the bell you can click on the facebook link.

       https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10203223574216998&l=9091013661585286121

Opposition

I was SO grateful for today, though I'm still feeling icky.  Lately I've felt disconnected from the Spirit which has been so difficult.  I realize it is because of this continuous brain fog that comes from the chemo.  It has become more noticeable with each treatment and stays with me even after the sickness lifts.  If zombies were real I could probably relate to their mental state!  But today--though I was still dealing with "chemo-sickness" I had little moments where I felt connected again and it was wonderful.  The main one was tonight when we sat around the table together and Kelly started asking the kids questions about Adam and Eve.  I realized we had not had any meaningful family night's with lessons in several months and being able to discuss as a family the importance of certain gospel principles--including opposition--felt SO good.  We explained how Opposition was introduced in the garden of Eden and why that was so important.  My thoughts were somewhat jumbled (as they are right now while I'm trying to explain this :)) but then, for a moment, the fog dissipated and everything clicked.  We shared how Haela used to struggle so much with her asthma and was hospitalized many times but now can run a 5K without stopping.  Without the opposition of her health struggle she could never have felt the same joy that she did when she ran across that finish line for the first time.  Her joy was much greater because she had gone through such a low with her health.  As I was sharing this I felt a confirmation that this health struggle I am currently going through is going to be so much a part of my future joy that I will feel when I come out of it.  This was really what I needed to remember tonight as lately I've become much more anxious to "hurry up and get it over with".  I've been forgetting the importance of "enduring it well" and having patience in the current state and journey I'm on.  It is all part of the joy I will feel later.  This cloud over my brain and nagging body discomforts will make me that much more grateful for that "clearness of mind" and general "healthy" feeling that will come later.  So for right now, I will be content.

5 Down, 1 To Go!

Nancy surprised me with these beautiful roses 5 pink ones and one white.  Represents the 5 I've done with 1 left!

Phew!  Just barely got my treatment today as my white blood count and red blood counts were low.  When the white blood count gets too low they can't do chemo because one of it's side effects is suppressing white cell production.  Then your chances of infection skyrocket.  When red cells/hemoglobin get too low then severe anemia and bruising can result.  It's tricky because it's bad if these are too low and it's bad if they're too high (like in cases of leukemia white blood cells are way too high).  Wow, who knew I could explain any of this trying to see through all this brain fog (another side effect of chemo:))!  So my white blood count was at 3 when it should be between 4 and 9.  I started at 9 and slowly keep descending so keep those prayers coming so my body can keep it high enough to get my last hard treatment on February 3rd as planned!  I heard two more bells ring today and I cannot tell you how many emotions it stirs in me!  I've just got to hear that bell on Feb. 3rd!!!!  I'm so tremendously grateful for how strong my body HAS been through all of this!  Though chemo week is pretty awful and catching every bug my kids bring home is rough my body always bounces back.  This is a definite benefit of getting cancer at a young age.  Your body is still very strong and more resilient to all it's put through.  Also, it is usually a more aggressive cancer which is scary but your body lets you know fast that something is wrong and so it can often be treated before it's done too much damage.  All this has given me a most incredible gratitude and testimony that our bodies are temples.  I've always loved eating healthy but now more then ever before I want to treat my body as the temple that it is.  It's been through too much to not put nourishing things into it.   Okay, I've got to cut things short.  I feel SO weak...just got to get to sleep.

My chemo #5 buddies

Never thought some pink rubber bracelets would give me so much strength!  Seeing these on people's wrists is like giving me a thousand hugs and prayers!  Thank you!

Hats

 As I'm watching an episode of Downton Abbey last night Ephraim asked, "why are there so many bald girls in this show??"  Since all I wear is hats (especially 1920's style cloche hats) and I'm bald it's only natural he thinks anyone else wearing these hats is bald too!

Courage and Trust

Yay!  4 down and just 2 of the hard ones left.  Today I felt fine until the last two hours and then my blood pressure dropped to 83/48 I've felt pretty icky since then.  It is amazing how well you can feel one moment and so sick the next.  That is where getting chemotherapy teaches you to have courage.  Courage to allow these doctors and nurses to give you stuff that is going to make you feel pretty darn sick for a week, and faith that all the sickness will be worth it in the end to have your life preserved.  I am SO grateful that I was given the gift to feel not only okay but excellent for Christmas and to be flooded with love, surprises, and sincere birthday wishes.  The kids kept saying yesterday that it was the "BEST Christmas EVER!"  It was thoroughly enjoyed and I will hold to that sweet treasure of a day throughout this week...then all the sickness isn't so bad.  I'm having a feeling that this may be a hard one because of how sick I already feel but "We Can Do Hard Things".