Opposition

I was SO grateful for today, though I'm still feeling icky.  Lately I've felt disconnected from the Spirit which has been so difficult.  I realize it is because of this continuous brain fog that comes from the chemo.  It has become more noticeable with each treatment and stays with me even after the sickness lifts.  If zombies were real I could probably relate to their mental state!  But today--though I was still dealing with "chemo-sickness" I had little moments where I felt connected again and it was wonderful.  The main one was tonight when we sat around the table together and Kelly started asking the kids questions about Adam and Eve.  I realized we had not had any meaningful family night's with lessons in several months and being able to discuss as a family the importance of certain gospel principles--including opposition--felt SO good.  We explained how Opposition was introduced in the garden of Eden and why that was so important.  My thoughts were somewhat jumbled (as they are right now while I'm trying to explain this :)) but then, for a moment, the fog dissipated and everything clicked.  We shared how Haela used to struggle so much with her asthma and was hospitalized many times but now can run a 5K without stopping.  Without the opposition of her health struggle she could never have felt the same joy that she did when she ran across that finish line for the first time.  Her joy was much greater because she had gone through such a low with her health.  As I was sharing this I felt a confirmation that this health struggle I am currently going through is going to be so much a part of my future joy that I will feel when I come out of it.  This was really what I needed to remember tonight as lately I've become much more anxious to "hurry up and get it over with".  I've been forgetting the importance of "enduring it well" and having patience in the current state and journey I'm on.  It is all part of the joy I will feel later.  This cloud over my brain and nagging body discomforts will make me that much more grateful for that "clearness of mind" and general "healthy" feeling that will come later.  So for right now, I will be content.

5 Down, 1 To Go!

Nancy surprised me with these beautiful roses 5 pink ones and one white.  Represents the 5 I've done with 1 left!

Phew!  Just barely got my treatment today as my white blood count and red blood counts were low.  When the white blood count gets too low they can't do chemo because one of it's side effects is suppressing white cell production.  Then your chances of infection skyrocket.  When red cells/hemoglobin get too low then severe anemia and bruising can result.  It's tricky because it's bad if these are too low and it's bad if they're too high (like in cases of leukemia white blood cells are way too high).  Wow, who knew I could explain any of this trying to see through all this brain fog (another side effect of chemo:))!  So my white blood count was at 3 when it should be between 4 and 9.  I started at 9 and slowly keep descending so keep those prayers coming so my body can keep it high enough to get my last hard treatment on February 3rd as planned!  I heard two more bells ring today and I cannot tell you how many emotions it stirs in me!  I've just got to hear that bell on Feb. 3rd!!!!  I'm so tremendously grateful for how strong my body HAS been through all of this!  Though chemo week is pretty awful and catching every bug my kids bring home is rough my body always bounces back.  This is a definite benefit of getting cancer at a young age.  Your body is still very strong and more resilient to all it's put through.  Also, it is usually a more aggressive cancer which is scary but your body lets you know fast that something is wrong and so it can often be treated before it's done too much damage.  All this has given me a most incredible gratitude and testimony that our bodies are temples.  I've always loved eating healthy but now more then ever before I want to treat my body as the temple that it is.  It's been through too much to not put nourishing things into it.   Okay, I've got to cut things short.  I feel SO weak...just got to get to sleep.

My chemo #5 buddies

Never thought some pink rubber bracelets would give me so much strength!  Seeing these on people's wrists is like giving me a thousand hugs and prayers!  Thank you!

Hats

 As I'm watching an episode of Downton Abbey last night Ephraim asked, "why are there so many bald girls in this show??"  Since all I wear is hats (especially 1920's style cloche hats) and I'm bald it's only natural he thinks anyone else wearing these hats is bald too!

Courage and Trust

Yay!  4 down and just 2 of the hard ones left.  Today I felt fine until the last two hours and then my blood pressure dropped to 83/48 I've felt pretty icky since then.  It is amazing how well you can feel one moment and so sick the next.  That is where getting chemotherapy teaches you to have courage.  Courage to allow these doctors and nurses to give you stuff that is going to make you feel pretty darn sick for a week, and faith that all the sickness will be worth it in the end to have your life preserved.  I am SO grateful that I was given the gift to feel not only okay but excellent for Christmas and to be flooded with love, surprises, and sincere birthday wishes.  The kids kept saying yesterday that it was the "BEST Christmas EVER!"  It was thoroughly enjoyed and I will hold to that sweet treasure of a day throughout this week...then all the sickness isn't so bad.  I'm having a feeling that this may be a hard one because of how sick I already feel but "We Can Do Hard Things".

Giving

I thought I could keep up with posting our gratitude and giving adequate credit to each amazing act of service done for our family.  Who knew that this, at times, would be harder than the cancer itself...not being able to repay or sincerely thank EVERY kindness given to us.  We are forever changed by the tremendous outpouring of love, service, and generosity.  I used to scroll past fundraisers for people I didn't know but now, after the magnitude of what has been given to us, I must do something...even if it is something small.  A girl with four young kids like myself, who is dying from her cancer, donated to our family when she found out our situation.  Others families who are hardly making ends meat have donated or done great services for our family.  At first, we struggled with terrible feelings of guilt that these type of people were doing things like this for us.  We just wanted to give back to them and more feeling they needed it far more than we did.  Then I thought of the "widow's mite" story in the bible and how the widow who had nothing wanted to give all that she had to the Lord.  As some of these people who are hardly able to give or serve do so in the name of the Lord they are teaching us a most powerful lesson, that everything we have is from the Lord.  Just as the priest bought Jean ValJean's soul in Les Miserables with two candlesticks I feel these people who could hardly give but still did  have bought my soul.  I hope that I will always remember and give as they have given.

Bald Entertainment

So if you want some cheap entertainment watch a bald person eat...I took my hat off at dinner and the family was thoroughly enthralled by the mandibular muscle action going on as they watched me chew my food.  Who knew all the awesomeness hiding under that hair :) :) :).

Kids say the darndest things

We could tell that "cancer" and "surgery" have been a big part of our vocabulary lately as we overheard Salem playing with her dolls and saying, "okay, now you have to get your surgery" and then "thank you for getting cancer with me!"....don't think she understands that cancer isn't a good thing! :)