Courage and Trust

Yay!  4 down and just 2 of the hard ones left.  Today I felt fine until the last two hours and then my blood pressure dropped to 83/48 I've felt pretty icky since then.  It is amazing how well you can feel one moment and so sick the next.  That is where getting chemotherapy teaches you to have courage.  Courage to allow these doctors and nurses to give you stuff that is going to make you feel pretty darn sick for a week, and faith that all the sickness will be worth it in the end to have your life preserved.  I am SO grateful that I was given the gift to feel not only okay but excellent for Christmas and to be flooded with love, surprises, and sincere birthday wishes.  The kids kept saying yesterday that it was the "BEST Christmas EVER!"  It was thoroughly enjoyed and I will hold to that sweet treasure of a day throughout this week...then all the sickness isn't so bad.  I'm having a feeling that this may be a hard one because of how sick I already feel but "We Can Do Hard Things".

Giving

I thought I could keep up with posting our gratitude and giving adequate credit to each amazing act of service done for our family.  Who knew that this, at times, would be harder than the cancer itself...not being able to repay or sincerely thank EVERY kindness given to us.  We are forever changed by the tremendous outpouring of love, service, and generosity.  I used to scroll past fundraisers for people I didn't know but now, after the magnitude of what has been given to us, I must do something...even if it is something small.  A girl with four young kids like myself, who is dying from her cancer, donated to our family when she found out our situation.  Others families who are hardly making ends meat have donated or done great services for our family.  At first, we struggled with terrible feelings of guilt that these type of people were doing things like this for us.  We just wanted to give back to them and more feeling they needed it far more than we did.  Then I thought of the "widow's mite" story in the bible and how the widow who had nothing wanted to give all that she had to the Lord.  As some of these people who are hardly able to give or serve do so in the name of the Lord they are teaching us a most powerful lesson, that everything we have is from the Lord.  Just as the priest bought Jean ValJean's soul in Les Miserables with two candlesticks I feel these people who could hardly give but still did  have bought my soul.  I hope that I will always remember and give as they have given.

Bald Entertainment

So if you want some cheap entertainment watch a bald person eat...I took my hat off at dinner and the family was thoroughly enthralled by the mandibular muscle action going on as they watched me chew my food.  Who knew all the awesomeness hiding under that hair :) :) :).

Kids say the darndest things

We could tell that "cancer" and "surgery" have been a big part of our vocabulary lately as we overheard Salem playing with her dolls and saying, "okay, now you have to get your surgery" and then "thank you for getting cancer with me!"....don't think she understands that cancer isn't a good thing! :)

Renewed

I was getting down earlier this week when I caught yet another cold (my 3rd one in 3 weeks) just after getting over the chemo sickness.  It was hard not to let myself think about what I was doing last year compared to now.  I had just run my first half marathon, was hosting a "healthy-eating" support group, and hadn't been sick for almost a year.  Now I'm catching colds every week it seems and working out maybe once a month doing a 20 min slow-paced eliptical workout while undergoing chemotherapy for cancer treatment.  Things have changed but then I remembered the beautiful experience I had in the temple the day we found out I had cancer.  I was filled with the most beautiful light and love that was overwhelming.  It truly felt as though angels were surrounding me and giving me the strength I needed to work through this new trial.  Thoughts came to my mind of how this trial would be a tremendous blessing in my life and that much joy would come of it.  I was SO grateful to have had that experience in the temple before all this began to be able to hold to when things got tough.  As I recalled that experience I also recalled all those people who've been through this that I've come in contact with that are now doing wonderful.  This gave me renewed strength and determination and I felt better.  I have a friend I've met through facebook who is going through the same thing right now and is on the same chemo schedule.  She was also having a difficult time this week and after I felt my lift I wrote this in response to her deep desire to get away and take a vacation.  I wanted to post it in my blog so that I can remember when I get down again...

Oh (name withheld)i, I so felt this same way yesterday! I even mentioned to my husband, "can we go to some tropical paradise vacation when all this is over??" Chemo is hard stuff, especially to be going through during winter months. Although the winter does fit our current situation. We are in the winter right now, the chemo is killing the cancer in our bodies and often feels and looks like it's killing us too. We may look and feel dead like the trees outside but I'm holding out for spring when we finish this hard stuff and our bodies will come back to life just like the trees outside. We are getting some serious pruning right now and it hurts but in the spring we will be well again. I've seen so many people that are doing better now--a few months out from chemo--then they have in years (some are still doing Herceptin right now too). Their hair's growing back, they have energy, they can work out again. This is going to be you and me hopefully by April...then maybe we can take our warm vacation to celebrate . Love you girl! We can do hard things!!!!!!!!!!

Halfway point!!!

 My friends, Amber and Drea surprised me with these matching shirts to wear to chemo.

Chemo #3.  Just 3 more of the hard stuff then the rest of the year will just be 40 minute treatments of Herceptin that supposedly don't make you sick.  YAY!!!!  I wore my "I Am Strong" socks during my treatment.  They are very empowering.


Today was more reassuring as I felt more like a veteren having made it to "halfway done"!!!  Today was the first time I heard the most beautiful noise in the infusion room.  The sound of a bell.  It reminded me of shopping at Trader Joe's and they ring a bell when they have met a goal.  But the bell in the chemo room represents something much more grand.  When you hear that beautiful bell ring it means someone just finished their LAST chemo treatment.  Many clap and shout "hooray" for the person who has finished something SO daunting, yet so brave.  That bell rang twice today and brought many emotions to hear.  All of us in that room know that chemo stinks and makes us all feel very vulnerable.  Along with all the joyous celebrating for the two bells rung today I also witnessed something that made me sad.  The lady diagonally across the room came in to start her chemo treatment and was crying.  I didn't know if she was crying knowing how sick she was about to feel or if she was already feeling awful and didn't want to add the chemo poison to the equation.  Whatever it was she was desperately not wanting to have to get yet another dose of medicine that would only make her feel worse.  I wanted to give her a hug and tell her to let it all out.  Sometimes just venting about how hard it is really helps.  It is amazing the love I feel for these women going through the same thing.  I've never experienced such a strong feeling for people I haven't even met.  Usually with each treatment you get to know the stories of the women around you and sometimes it lifts and inspires while other times you just hurt for these women.  My heart ached for the woman in tears who was struggling terribly yet was filled with joy by the bells ringing and the wonderful women sitting next to me.  She is 30 years older then me yet we made an instant bond and chatted through the whole 6 hours of treatment.  Her husband was there who I could feel was very supportive.  They were both so positive yet honest about the hard things regarding chemo and cancer.  We seemed very similar regarding our strong belief in God, the joys of raising a family with four kids, and our love for healthy living.  A lot of these women in the chemo room haven't adopted healthy eating habits so it was so nice to sit by someone who has.  Since my diagnosis I have this deep desire to one day become a nutrition counselor for cancer patients.  I know it can't take the cancer away but it can give such a great quality of life and help greater protection against future disease.  Okay, time to go lay down.  The nausea, bodyaches, and heavy feeling are setting in.  Only 3 more hardcore treatments and I will hear that bell ring for.....me!!!!

Cancer Support Do's

Love my family!  Showing their support from afar by cutting their hair.  My sister and sister-in-law donated their hair for wigs.  My brother not only buzzed his head but shaved it bald.  And my sweet little nephew helped shave my brother's and followed with his own little buzz to show support.  Did I say I LOVE my family????